


Ashes of My Own Creation

by MyGoldenEyes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt Magnus Bane, I hate you all, I'm sorry but also not, M/M, Magnus Bane-centric, also alec is hurting, and myself, anxiety attack, but not the normal kind, why are both of those tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 05:31:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17677319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyGoldenEyes/pseuds/MyGoldenEyes
Summary: “Magnus you don’t mean that-”“I mean what I said. Stop acting like a fucking child.”





	Ashes of My Own Creation

Magnus pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes in a pathetic attempt to hold back tears. By the time he had figured out this was a fool's pursuit he opened his eyes and blinked slowly as the room around him came into focus. It was all as it had been before. But he had ruined everything. 

_“You always talk about how upset you are that my magic’s gone but what have you done? What have you ever done for me except bitch and moan about how horrible it is that I do things for you-”_

__

The tears spilled out and made angry red tracks down through the mask of makeup he had carefully crafted that morning. He’d been a fool. He’d been horrible to someone who loved him just because he was frustrated. He let his fear get the better of him again and this time there would be no happy reunion after he came to his senses. There was no chance that Alec could see past this. 

_“Magnus you don’t mean that-”_

_“I mean what I said. Stop acting like a fucking child.”_

He had been no better than Camille. No, he’d been worse than Camille because he actually loved Alec. Magnus wanted to run to someone. He wanted to beg for forgiveness from anyone. Anyone but Alec. 

There was no way he could face Alec again after what he said. Alec would probably strike him down where he stood like the demons he hunted every day. Magnus was no better than them. This was who he really was. This was why Asmodeous was always so sure that Magnus would come crawling back because at his core he would never be anything then a demon’s son. 

Magnus collapsed against his desk, using it as a support as he slumped down to the ground, drawing in on himself. What had he done? 

His world was falling apart and Alec had been the only thing still steady and now he’d gone and ripped it away from himself. It was all he could ever do. He burned things, chared them until they were unrecognizable. Then he stood in the ashes trying to sort out which bits had once belonged to the things he loved. 

He had been here before and he knew the outcome. Alec would leave, Alec had left, and now he could never come back. No one ever came back from this. Who would want to? Who in their right mind would come back to someone that brought nothing but hurt into their lives? 

_“Me,”_

Magnus’s mind helpfully supplied,

_“I always came back no matter how horrible it was.”_

But this wasn’t the same. Magnus wouldn’t let it be the same. Alec was not Magnus and Alec did not do things he knew to be wrong. Alec was level headed and as much as Magnus played a part of importance, Alec didn’t need him. Even if he did. Even if Magnus had somehow managed to trick the poor boy into relying on him there was no way he’d let him back now. 

Yes, even if Alec came back Magnus could never see him again. Magnus could never let Alexander Lightwood be hurt by him again. 

He had to leave. He had to get as far away as possible. 

With that thought crystalline clear, Magnus tried to pull himself up. He went to summon a portal and found his hand crooked in the air. Because he couldn’t. Because he was nothing now. He was nothing and he had lost his everything. 

So Magnus wept. He wept where he sat, crumpled and defeated. He felt his breathing quicken and his vision blur but he didn’t care. Everything was bright and hot and loud and horrible and Magnus couldn’t handle a second of it. The world started to fade and Magnus had the fleeting thought that maybe his body was giving him one last gift, shutting down softly on its own and letting him go far away. 

***

Magnus had been sorely mistaken. His body wasn’t going to give him shit. That was clear as he awoke in a too bright room with a dull aching in his head and a burning in his lungs. Magnus found himself truly marveling at the mundanes ability to deal with pain. Or perhaps his body was simply not used to this. He wanted Alec. Alec was always good at coaching him through these experiences. 

It was at that thought that Magnus remembered everything. The fight and then what must have been a panic attack. Oh, Mother of Demons. Magnus had had a panic attack. Those red hot words that curled his tongue to their own will and stung when spat out hadn’t been his. Those dark thoughts that twisted and curled around him mind were misplaced. And he had taken a panic attack out on Alec. 

What kind of boyfriend was he? 

_“Not one anymore”_

His brain supplied, ever the optimistic instrument. 

Magnus groaned and tried to shift up. He reached out to where he thought his desk should have been and was met with empty air. As he moved a pair of arms softly pushed him back into what he now recognized as the pillows of his couch. Cat must have come to visit and found him. She would probably be less gentle once Magnus found the consciousness of mind to explain what had happened. Hell, he wouldn’t be surprised if she decided he was too much to deal with. She already tread so carefully around him. Never using magic or mentioning anything to do with it. She had tried to keep Madzie’s milestones from him for fear it would upset him. He hated to be coddled. 

Magnus was brought from his musings by a voice too deep to be Cat’s, “You need to rest, stop trying to get up, and stop beating yourself up.” 

Magnus’ mind was still in the hazy place between forced unconsciousness and wakefulness so he intelligently guessed at who the voice could belong to, “Raphael?” 

There was a soft chuckle from farther away, “I’m here too.” 

Magnus tried again at opening his eyes so he could see the man he considered to be his son. Another relationship Magnus had destroyed. He had become the poor boy’s family then stripped away his own immortality which would eventually force Raphael to watch him die as he had with all the other’s he loved. Raphael couldn’t even bear to see him for the first week. Magnus had understood. What he didn’t understand was why Raphael was here now. 

“Why-” 

Before he could say more a third voice spoke, “Did you think we all stopped caring about you? You conceited old man. I put some monitoring spells on you. Nearly gave me a heart attack when I sensed your heart rate spike then drop ad if you’d gone into a comma. Naturally, I called Raf who I knew could get to you quickly after I’d called Alec.” 

Magnus looked to the voice and saw Catarina staring down at him. She was wearing bloodied scrubs as if she’d been mid-crisis at the hospital when she rushed to help him. Behind her hovered Raphael, leaning against a doorway as if uninterested but body poised to spring forward and help at any second. Magnus’ eyes drifted over as his mind caught up with what Cat had said. 

“Alexander?” 

Sure enough. Alec was kneeling next to the couch, hands fluttering as if he was unsure what would help best, even as his expression remained calm with a tinge of concern. 

“Didn’t think you could get rid of me that easily, did you?” 

Magnus’ foggy head filled with horror. If he’d had any more presence of mind he would have sent Alec away or tried to hide somewhere in the apartment. But as he was all he could do was manage a half-hearted scowl that was severely undercut by the tears slowly beading at the corners of his eyes. 

“We have a lot to talk about but I need you to know I understand.” Suddenly Magnus’ mind flashed to Alec lashing out when Jace was missing. Alec hiding his pain until he would shoot off like a loose cannon at whoever was in his vicinity. And it was no longer so impossible that Alec returned.

**Author's Note:**

> Some panic attacks manifest in angry outbursts and it's super hard to recover from them. I know because I had a super bad one yesterday. I originally wasn't going to put an explanation into the text itself but I thought it was necessary. Sorry if that bit seemed a little clunky and the bit with Alec. I don't know how to properly express that and it might be its own thing.


End file.
